Starving
Healing Attachment Wounds Through Kizomba Dancing
Part One: The Dance
Our deepest wounds are attachment wounds. Dominant culture thrives because of these wounds. This culture of separation severed humans from our relationship with the land, with each other, with our community, with our families, and with ourselves. In replacement of these rich and meaningful relationships, we were forced to become attached to the state, to money, to technology, and to things.
We cannot survive without attachment - not for long anyways and definitely not as vulnerable newborns and children. Healing the personal and collective attachment trauma is hard work. The grief is horrendous. Yet so needed. This is why I dance Kizomba. Through play, I'm re-wiring a hijacked internal system so that I can remember what it means to be human, and thus, alive within relationships. Every dance is a gift. Music creates conditions that are ripe for magic to unfold. Dance has always been part of culture. Before the colonizing mind virus took over, healing was not a commodity. It was woven into all the ways humans existed together. Culture took care of these soul needs through ceremony, ritual, food, and play. Dance healed because that is its nature with no need for overt integration sessions. However, nowadays, we are detached from these intrinsic ways and as a result, we need to make healing a 'thing' rather than a byproduct of a natural instinct that unfolds when held within the context of an attachment based culture.
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Write what you want to say. Unfiltered. Unpolished. Messy.
Say the things that would terrify you to say, even if they won’t be received.
Let them know the impact and importance of your connection.
Let them know that they were a gift from the heavens.
Let them know, even if they won’t or can’t meet your deepest desires.
Let futility become your healing friend.
#
I felt alive. The moment my body pressed up against yours-chest to chest, abdomen to abdomen, pelvis to pelvis, knees to knees. I was held in the embrace of this dance and I melted into your field. Full surrender. I was being danced and my body responded to your rhythm in an ancient familiar way. My hips unlocked, responding to every subtle signal indicating up down, side to side, around and around. This level of trust and play was an absolute delight. To feel our bodies merge and move together in a fluid union of creative expression was as close to touching ‘God’ as I have ever come (pun intended). There was no other dancer that night that could have fed me in this way. I wanted to dance forever in our twirling state of ecstasy.
Time became non-existent and our harmonious union induced a trance. The beat, the repetitive movements, the sustained gentle touch that caressed certain erogenous zones, the proximity of our bodies, the breath, the stillness of the mind, the emptying of my cup, the attuning in (without turning on), eyes shut and a total surrender of my will to be led was the perfect condition for a medicine journey to unfold; And that it did. I can still feel the electric pulsing when I close my eyes and re-experience this deep connected state.
I felt the shift, did you? Away from the oneness state towards that of the mind. In one moment I was in bliss and within another, I became aware of the intensity. Doubt, insecurity, and worry crept in. Was this too much? Are you okay? Are you tired? Am I keeping you here, with me? Do you feel trapped in this rapture? Are you enjoying yourself? Do you feel me? Do you know what is happening here? Are you still with me?
I didn’t want the moment to end, so I clung. I clung to the proximity, hungry for more. This clinging ignited my pursuit drive, desperate for more, fearful the portal would close. All of this, surfacing from a primary attachment wound bubbling up to be known. This same drive that fed a sexual addiction for years, before I knew to call it an addiction. I wanted more because I didn’t know when or if it was going to end - I became ravenous. I set my eyes on you as the prey to satiate my desire to feast. I was starving. I worry that this energy was felt and it scared you (maybe just a little). The hunger started to drive the need to dance and it felt different then the spontaneous delight of discovering one another on the dance floor. Suddenly, I felt taken over by this drive and I was no longer in control-the energy of pursuit was. Flooded with endorphins by now, and oxytocin, I was falling in lust.
The hungry ghost was now at the forefront. An untamed desire-a bomb fire internally lit. I wanted to consume you and simultaneously be consumed. Like a junkie, never satiated, hunting down its next line. The more I sensed an insecurity in the attachment, the more my metaphorical claws dug in. Our cheeks pressed together, lips nearly touching, I wanted to be devoured. There was so much energy moving throughout my embodied system and yet nowhere to discharge it, except on the dance floor. As I became aware of this urge, I also became aware of the room and immediately felt naked amongst all the other dancers. Can they see? Do they know what is happening here? What are they thinking?
Dancing wasn’t enough anymore to properly metabolize the energy. The urge to be penetrated to the depths of my being was insatiable. To state that I wanted to be fucked is an understatement; I wanted to be obliterated. I am not even sure any human could have met this desire; nor do I think I saw you as human anymore. On one hand I am talking about two souls merging as one consciousness to become nothing. On the other hand, the urge to be fed was in full force all the while knowing that I would never be satiated. I was oscillating between an elevated spiritual being and an earthly beast; a creature of the night. These opposing forces filled me with erotic tension. I was trying to manage the intensity that I was feeling while remaining contained like a good human being, so as not to draw attention towards me. And yet, the wild had been unleashed within and I was ready to pounce my prey. As I looked around through a slit of an eye, nothing else around me was real anymore, even the people seemed like players in a play. How was it possible to be in two worlds at the same time - the mythic and the mundane. A living embodiment of the profane and the sacred.
The muse of dance woke my fire dragon and she wanted to devour you with her fire. The wild was met with a fear of becoming unhinged. With there being no real way to verbally speak this with you, or anyone for that matter, I was left with all my inner parts scurrying about in a disoriented way. It felt like everything was now topsy-turvy. Soon thereafter, the insecurities arose and the inner parts took to the mainstage for their turn to protest in order to be seen. Not only did the melding of our bodies wake the inner dragon, it woke the sleeping parts now coming into view for healing. Although a gift, our connection also became a drug. The voice of the user took over: ‘If only we could take another hit”, “just a little bit more… and a little bit more…more… more”. There is never enough when we are driven by pursuit from the ravenous space; constantly starving and never full.
Fullness comes from being able to rest in our connection, knowing that it is food for the both of us. There were moments in which we were indeed feeding each other back and forth, filling our soul-bellies with Life itself. However, the fear of it coming to an end turned the delight of our dance into a frantic fantasy. A recipe for a bitter and nutrient deprived meal. And the fear of no longer being fed left me spinning and grasping. Hanging onto your body, in hopes that the music would never stop so that we could be filled to the brim with soul-food. Sadly, nourishment doesn’t work this way. Stuffing oneself full of attachment ‘food’ has the opposite effect; rather than resting in the satiation for the nutrients to penetrate and be digested, it is rejected. I can only imagine that on some level you felt this urge that had possessed my system and on point, you ran from it nowhere to be found. As if you were indeed a figment of my imagination. After three days of dancing hours upon hours, I was left to feel the futility of it all. As with most drugs there is the high, followed by the low. I don’t want to lessen our experience by comparing it to a drug, and yet, the fact that I was left still famished spotlighted my deepest fear: to confront this old addiction. The futility however, was the perfect tonic to cleanse my soul from having been shackled for far too long.
Part Two: Integration
What follows is an unedited conversation between my dear friend and myself in an attempt to support healing and integration as a result of the experience I encountered on the dance floor over a three day dance event.
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Me: At the airport and no sleep so exhausted.
Me: I will need another layer of tears for sure.
Me: Had another incredible dance day and night. Did not get to say a final goodbye to my dance lover which has left me in a state of longing and pursuit.
2:56 a.m.
Friend: Awww yeah ... that's the difference between attachment satiation and addiction.... leaving feeling full vs empty. I'm grateful that this is opening up for you to heal even if it's painful right now
9:07 a.m.
Me: Hmmmm I guess I do feel very very full, but ya I wanted to close that portal.
9:20 a.m.
Me: I actually feel so full from so many magical dances that really brought out my play
Me: There was play and also deep sensual connection
9:21 a.m.
Friend: Yeah full in some ways and empty is other ways...all the mixed feelings I would expect
9:32 a.m.
Me: I was truly danced by him with total oneness
10:01 a.m.
Me: Others tried to dance with me in a similar way - and it all felt wrong
10:02 a.m.
Me: Like gross wrong
Me: I didn't let my body merge or get that closeMe:
Me: Some people dance the music and they get what my soul needs
10:04 a.m.
Me: Some people are in their heads doing moves
10:04 a.m.
Me: It's so fucken amazing to be danced and let the music be the muse
10:04 a.m.
Me: I think it was all perfect that I left without being pursued further
10:23 a.m.
Me; So I have to heal the pattern.
Me: Had another cry
4:20 p.m.
Me: Feel shame
Me: For the part that gets hungry
4:20 p.m.
Me; Flashes of former lovers and one night stands
4:20 p.m.
Me; And having been rejected
4:20 p.m.
Me: Realized the lack of closure was like having a one or two nights of love making and the person just ups and leaves
4:21 p.m.
Me: Vulnerable
4:21 p.m.
Me: I was/am definitely in pursuit mode with ‘Dancer’
Me: I don't want to be and I now see why I am
7:10 a.m.
Me: I completely let myself rest in our dance attachment - fully and completely. Mostly because of the dance connection we had. However, something else was/is happening that has not happened with others on the dance floor
Me: When the dance ends I want more
Me: I never want it to end
Me: Whereas other amazing connected dances I don't feel this way
Me: I can walk off the dance floor and move on
Me: I couldn't after dancing with ‘Dancer’
Me: The way we would end would be jarring to me and confusing
Me: Like suddenly pulled from this altered state
Me: Of course we needed breaks but my system would get needy
7:13 a.m.
Me: And I wanted affirmation that this was not the last time we were dancing
Me: So this created insecurity
7:13 a.m.
Me: The last night, not being able to say goodbye after sharing sooooooo much energy and time, felt jarring
7:14 a.m.
Me: I sent a message to him and I was very open and vulnerable as usual.
Me: I am starting to feel like a fool
7:15 a.m.
Me: Like a needy child
7:16 a.m.
Me: Like it was not what I thought it was
Me: And that this is not resting
Me: This is indeed pursuit energy and wanting affirmation
Me: It's like having a weekend lover but leaving questioning if they were even into you
7:17 a.m.
Friend: Yeah it's the part
7:17 a.m.
Me: I was trying to connect to the part
7:17 a.m
Me: I sobbed so something is moving
7:17 a.m.
Me: I just want to understand what happened
Me: So I don't do it again
Me: And I know that this is all so perfect
7:17 a.m.
Friend: Yeah exactly.... heal the little one inside that's on a carrot conquest
7:45 a.m.
Friend: It's fine to eat the carrot. That's the point
7:45 a.m.
Me: I'm trying but I can't even identify which part
7:45 a.m.
Friend: But the pursuit only drive divorced from the carrot consumption is the one that gets temporarily high off the quest only and it doesn't sink in when you arrive; or feast.
7:46 a.m.
Me: Tell me more
7:46 a.m.
Friend: This is addiction by definition
7:46 a.m.
Me: It's right in front of me and yet it all feels fuzzy
7:47 a.m.
Friend: Sex addiction is physical intimacy divorced from the other forms of intimacy
7:47 a.m.
Me: Familiar
7:47 a.m.
Friend: Yeah there's a part that believes it is doing a good thing getting this chemical high
7:48 a.m.
Me: This is so good. I could say dance addiction ... same same
7:48 a.m.
Friend: It's same as when ppl have a broken alarm system and they thrill seek for the chemical high
7:48 a.m.
Me: Keep going
Me: Fuck I wish we were recording
Friend: That's the dark side of play
Friend: That it'll be used as an escape rather than to heal
Friend: But you're aware so it'll heal
7:49 a.m.
ME: Yet I'm using it to heal this time
7:49 a.m.
Me: So the addiction to dance is like the addiction to sex because it's triggering same dopamine rush
7:50 a.m.
Friend: So if part of you is defended from REALLY going to deeper levels of intimacy.. let's say with your primary partner. Your protector part will seek intense intimacy driven by pursuit thinking it'll get that hit of attachment without having to open in more vulnerable ways
7:51 a.m.
Me: But it's an addiction because it is not met with deeper levels of intimacy
7:51 a.m.
Friend: Yeah because you need more of it forever and it never solves the problem of getting attachment fully ...it just almost works
7:52 a.m.
Me: It almost works!
Me: Hence the carrot
7:52 a.m.
Friend: So there's a protector against vulnerability I would imagine
7:53 a.m.
Me: So my dance connection with ‘Dancer’ almost worked
7:53 a.m.
Friend: Snelling and almost biting the carrot is tantalizing and it's meant to be
7:53 a.m.
Friend: So an exile part must be underneath.. if I'm vulnerable and receive and eat the carrot it'll go away. So I'll just get high off pursuing the carrot forever.
7:54 a.m.
Friend: And the high never satiates. It distracts from how vulnerable it is to rest and digest it.
Friend: The pursuit is the high itself
7:55 a.m.
Me: It's so vulnerable
7:55 a.m.
Friend: So now it's no longer about attachment at all ... only high off your own pursuit
7:55 a.m.
Me: I'm not sure what rest would look like in this situation
What would have needed to open or happen
7:55 a.m.
Friend: Pursuit drive wasn't meant to be separate from actual attachment
7:55 a.m.
Me: Do you think it's possible to have desire and a lover and not be in pursuit
7:57 a.m.
Friend: Pursuit itself isn't bad...it's just when it's unchecked it becomes an issue
Like addictions
7:58 a.m.
Me: So we need to differentiate this
7:58 a.m.
Friend: Where the pursuit takes away from life and the most important attachments
Friend: We're supposed to be alive and have desire
7:58 a.m.
Me: So how do I discern what is desire in this dynamic and what is pursuit
Me: I felt desire and alive and whole and safe until I didn't
7:59 a.m.
Friend: Right so that's when the part that needed healing was driving
7:59 a.m.
Me: Suddenly I wasn’t satiated
And it was because I knew it was going to end
7:59 a.m.
Friend: A wounded part ....so the play and relationships activate the parts as we go through life .. the triggers
8:00 a.m.
Friend: The play or dance isn't real
8:00 a.m.
Me: Ooooooo
8:00 a.m.
Friend; It just pushes your real buttons
8:00 a.m.
Me: It's the muse
8:00 a.m.
Friend: Yeah
8:00 a.m.
Friend: You're attracted to it cuz you feel you need it
8:01 a.m.
Me: I need the dance
8:01 a.m.
Friend: To pull up your triggers and process
8:01 a.m.
Me: Or to feel alive
8:01 a.m.
Friend: Yeah for now anyway
Friend: To heal you
Friend: Like a child whose attracted to playing war games cuz they witnessed war
Friend: They're playing it out
8:02 a.m.
Friend: Therapy
8:02 a.m.
Me: I mean my entire state has shifted again from the last time you saw me - dance pulled me out of the gutter
8:02 a.m.
Friend: This dance is your therapy
8:02 a.m.
Me: I know
8:02 a.m.
Friend: It's gonna draw up the parts and wounds for you as you navigate the 'not real' dynamics
8:02 a.m.
Me: And it's not for everyone?
8:02 a.m.
Friend: Not particularly no
8:03 a.m.
Me: So what is it for them?
8:03 a.m.
Friend: But music and dance are powerful in terms of hooking in to the limbic system
8:03 a.m.
Me: So what is it for them
Friend: Any kind of play that resonates
Friend: Universally humans are fairly drawn to music and dance
8:04 a.m.
Me: So it's not play for me?
8:04 a.m.
Friend: Yeah it totally is
Friend: Unless you get caught in its dark side
8:05 a.m.
Me: I'm touching it
8:05 a.m.
Friend: But if it heals you then it continues to be play
8:05 a.m.
Me: It's familiar. There is a dark side or shadow side
8:05 a.m.
Friend: There is a lot of pursuit
8:05 a.m.
Me: Yep
Friend: Your whole life
8:06 a.m.
All your problems have pursuit at core
8:06 a.m.
Me: That's what was so safe about ‘Dancer’
8:06 a.m.
Me: He was not directing that pursuit energy
8:06 a.m.
Friend: And hence why the wound emerged, it didn't get fed
8:06 a.m.
Me: Right!
Friend: But it safely emerged
Friend: For you to heal it. It was delivered to you as a gift
8:06 a.m.
Me: Truly a gift
8:06 a.m.
Friend: Your nervous system is designed to heal
8:07 a.m.
Me: And I want him to know all of this but I also know it's not what this is about
8:07 a.m.
Friend: Yes you want redemption
Friend: Cuz you were unwitnessed in so many ways
8:07 a.m.
Me: I just feel worried I pushed my gift away
8:07 a.m.
Friend: But there are people who truly love you who want to witness you
Me: That hit my heart and made me cry
8:08 a.m.
Friend: Your real relationships
8:08 a.m.
Me: That's it
8:08 a.m.
Friend: You're receiving the gift right now
8:08 a.m.
Me: I'm crying but can't see the part
Me: But it's moving
8:09 a.m.
Friend: Can you just feel it?
8:09 a.m.
Me: Yes
8:09 a.m.
Friend: Or send it some messages?
8:09 a.m.
Me: Why do I want to be witnessed by him and not by my real relationships
8:09 a.m.
Friend: Cuz he won't
8:09 a.m.
Friend: That's the redemption drive
8:10 a.m.
Me: Oh, I need to understand this
8:10 a.m.
Friend: If he just would then you could finally win him over
8:10 a.m.
Me: He won't
Me: And that would feed my addiction
8:10 a.m.
Friend: It's the dynamic of redemption Richard Schwartz talks about
8:10 a.m.
Me: Jesus this is so deep
Me: And perfect
8:10 a.m.
Friend: We want to be witnessed by someone who represents the energy we were wounded by
8:11 a.m.
Me: I need to keep saying he won't
8:11 a.m.
Friend: He won't that's why he's the healer for you
8:11 a.m.
Me: I also want to apologize to him
Me: This is working me
8:12 a.m.
Me: I'm moving a lot
8:12 a.m.
Me: I want to say that he was a gift from the heavens
8:14 a.m.
Friend: It's a mirror of your old attachment wounds so it's triggering and your system wants to work it out
8:21 a.m.
Me: I'm stuck on the word and what it really means in my life
Me: To be redeemed
8:21 a.m.
Me: Something is shifting
8:21 a.m.
Me: And saying he won't over and over again is helping deeply
8:21 a.m.
Me: And the fact that he won't is his gift to me
8:21 a.m.
Me: But a part of me wants to make it better and pull back my last message
Me: I feel like a fool
8:22 a.m.
Me: That I spilled my wound
8:22 a.m.
Friend: Can you feel compassion for the one that feels foolish?
8:50 a.m.
Me: Not yet. Maybe I need to see her. The part that feels foolish or rather, is wanting to chastise the part, is the part I need to connect with
9:04 a.m.
Me: the part that tries to keep me safe from vulnerability
9:04 a.m.
Me: and gets mad when I do silly things
9:04 a.m.
Me: I have a pursuit hangover
9:06 a.m.
Me: I feel totally drugged or the aftermath of having been drugged even though I slept 14 hours and also, 5 hours on the flight home
9:07 a.m.
Me: I feel groggy and sluggish and heavy in the head and heart
9:07 a.m.
...:
Me: He won't
He won't
He won't
He can't
He can't
He can't
Gift
Gift
Gift
9:17 a.m.
Friend: Yeah there was a lot going on there
Friend: Lots of energy
9:56 a.m.
Me: He won't he can't
On repeat like a broken record
11:06 a.m.
Me: This is really hard work
12:03 p.m.
Me: I am tired
Me: I don't even know what is on the other side
12:03 p.m.
Me: Also, i am facing 'i am a fool' now
12:03 p.m.
Me: and 'shame'
12:03 p.m.
Me: I am ashamed of what I said... too vulnerable and too needy and too exposed
12:03 p.m.
Friend: The alpha part wants to chastise you for being too much
12:05 p.m.
Friend: Also redemption vibes there, yes? Pattern of opening up more than someone will receive in hopes that you'll finally get seen.. mirroring dynamic with your parents. Like opening to a stranger
Friend: Which is fine actually to open up all you want if that's who you are
Friend: But it's the critic alpha part that shames you later believing that you should've avoided not being received that is so painful
12:07 p.m.
Friend: I have similar parts dynamics by the way... no judgment from me here... only deep love and compassion for all the parts
12:08 p.m.
Friend: Alpha believes when it didn't work that it's always your fault and you could've made it work by opening up less or being less intense
12:13 p.m.
Me: All that yes. Still stuck on the redemption part
Me: It is not landing, like I am confused
Friend: Redeem just means like come to resolution
1:23 p.m.
Me: To be redeemed - to come to resolution in my inner system. To feel like something is resolved
1:24 p.m.
Me: And what I want to resolve is a deep need to be loved, seen, valued, cherished, understood, celebrated
1:25 p.m.
Friend: Like if one's mom didn't want them in a certain way they'll gravitate to wanting someone else who has that similar air of not wanting them or fully accepting that part of them then they'll try to win the new person over to redeem the old wound
Friend: Like heal and finally make right that their mother didn't accept that part of them
Friend: But they act it out over and over because they are still reenacting the same dynamic
Me: Like my ‘primary partner’ being fed crumbs from his mother - literally and metaphorically - and I feed him attachment crumbs
1:27 p.m.
Friend: Exactly
1:27 p.m.
Me: Why can't I see it in me right now
Me: I need to know I'm not too much
1:28 p.m.
Not too intense
Not too serious
Not too emotional
Not too Needy
Not too deep
1:29 p.m.
Friend: But when strangers don't fully receive you it triggers that mom and parent wound
Friend: And the scenario is a mirror of the dynamics of the original attachment injury
1:30 p.m.
Friend: Which is why it's so painful
1:30 p.m.
#
Me: It's sucks, and I want my power back
8:33 a.m.
Friend: It's no longer a conversation.
Me: We had a dance conversation
8:33 a.m.
Friend: But nothing beyond
8:33 a.m.
Friend: yeah it was in a play container but then the container got broken a bit and it got real
Friend: I am sorry you got alarmed and hurt
8:34 a.m.
Me: Thank you
Me: For seeing
8:34 a.m.
Friend: I don't think we're meant to be in pursuit for too much of our lives
Friend: it's just meant to deliver us to the attachments where we can spend more time feeling safe
8:35 a.m.
Friend: Not constant pursuit of one relationship after another throughout the lifespan
8:35 a.m.
Me: Omg
Me: You are incredible
8:35 a.m.
Friend: This is why the non-monogamy thing is a question for me
Friend: seems like a lot of alarm and pursuit and suffering
Friend: I want to understand it better
8:35 a.m.
Me: I'm not defining anything anymore
Me: I'm decolonizing relationship dynamics from my psyche
8:36 a.m.
Friend: I have no judgments against it though as well as I also think we need a lot of sexual liberation in this culture too
8:36 a.m.
Friend: And I've been trapped in a colonized mind around what is the right relationship - monogamy and nuclear. Everything else is wrong
8:37 a.m.
Me: Totally
Friend: It can be liberating for sure
8:37 a.m.
Friend: Like feeling all of this wild energy is bad in that mindset
8:37 a.m.
Friend: but also what an intense ride
8:37 a.m.
Friend: So I'm dancing with these edges
8:37 a.m.
Me: Healing is intense
8:37 a.m.
Friend: it is
Me: If I didn't open to it (non-monogamy) I would stay frustrated and flat
8:37 a.m.
Friend: well you have your safe places to land
8:38 a.m.
Me: I really do and I'm leaning into this deeply
Friend: I genuinely feel for you and how hard this is right now
Friend: sorry this sexy boy can't see you
Friend: let's just call him sexy boi
8:39 a.m.
Me: Hahaha
Me: Dance lover
#
Me: What I do know is the difference between those who engage me and those who don't
8:48 a.m.
Me: I rest when I'm engaged
8:48 a.m.
Me: I am at a loss as to what needs to happen to pull back my power.
Friend: I guess see reality
Friend: Is it just really registering the futility, sadness and disappointment?
9:01 a.m.
Friend: and healing any lies that emerge and wounds?
9:01 a.m.
Friend: power sometimes isn't all that powerful seeming - it may be soft and about letting go and healing and being kind to the parts of you that got hurt and allowing them to be sad or hurt in your care
9:02 a.m.
Me: Yes I have to register the futility
Me: Don't know how to do that
10:03 a.m.
Friend: you were doing that yesterday too right by saying to yourself: he won't
10:03 a.m.
Friend: and focusing on the fact that he hasn't responded and that is reality
10:04 a.m.
Friend: looking directly at the reality that he is not engaged further
10:04 a.m.
Friend: in spite of what you felt
10:04 a.m.
Friend: when the urge comes up to want to get an answer or engage or create change gently remind yourself that he has had multiple days to reach out or engage and has not
10:05 a.m.
Friend: and sitting with the disappointment of that over and over as many times as it arises to argue with reality that it all meant more than it does in terms of real relationship
10:06 a.m.
Friend: the reality was in the realm of your real feelings and real play and real magic
10:06 a.m.
Friend: but there appears to be no reality of connection in terms of real relationships in the real world or he would have made some kind of reach for connection by now
10:06 a.m.
Friend: I know that is still a story cuz he hasn't told you that directly to help register the futility but I think it's fair to conclude that the reality is that he is not engaged
10:07 a.m.
Friend: so you're not negated was WAS REAL for you
Friend: so you're not gaslighting yourself just being with reality in the realm outside of play
10:08 a.m.
Friend: cuz a lot was real hence the drive to grab for more of whatever the hell that was
10:08 a.m.
Friend: I'm not telling you anything you don't know here - I am just echoing this back to you as a support so you're not alone
10:09 a.m.
Me: explain?
Friend: I meant to say: you're not negating what was real for you which was all that magic and all those feelings- just cuz he isn't engaged doesn't mean all that wasn't real in a felt and experiential sense
10:11 a.m.
Friend: And also, what is real is that outside of that container there is no connection
Me: Yes okay thank you
Me: It does hurt but that is the healing
10:11 a.m.
Me: I would do it again - even as it is playing out
10:12 a.m.
Me: because the experience was absolute delight
10:12 a.m.
Me: And also, what is real is that outside of that container there is no connection
Friend: exactly- that's like the left brain version of reality... whereas in the realm of the right hemisphere and play you felt very real things and those still need to be honoured
10:12 a.m.
Me: I really did
Me: and not shame myself for wanting more outside of that container
10:12 a.m.
Friend: yeah
10:12 a.m.
Me: Because that is what is happening
Me: Ashamed I wanted more
Me: desired more
10:13 a.m.
Me: and asked for more
Friend: well not surprising at all that you want the one you can't truly have
10:14 a.m.
Friend: that's the redemption drive at its core - such a powerful desire emerges from seeing someone we can't quite have cuz that is the mirror of some old attachment wound so it comes with so much alarm pursuit cuz there is some level of separation already there that is sensed
10:16 a.m.
Friend: the mirroring of this element of the dynamic triggers an old wound which adds to the spiciness of it all
10:22 a.m.
#
Me: I just need you to reassure me and my part I did nothing wrong
12:09 p.m.
Me: I also didn't say the wrong things
12:09 p.m.
Friend: you did nothing wrong
12:09 p.m.
Me: Still need to feel the futility
1:32 p.m.
Me: 'he won't' 'he can't'
1:32 p.m.
Me: I'm angry
2:46 p.m.
Friend: About?
3:23 p.m.
Me: Reality
3:26 p.m.
Friend: What are all the ways it's violating?
3:26 p.m.
Me: That word doesn't fit
Friend: Actually I was wondering if that word didn't fit
Friend: Just that anger usually comes up when we feel we were wronged
Friend: Violated in some way... boundaries and whatnot
Friend: Versus frustration where things just suck and aren't going our way or aren't working
Me: That he didn't reply?
3:42 p.m.
Friend: When I think of anger I think of blame... someone did something wrong so to speak
3:43 p.m.
Friend: Like anger coming up to protect one from the the implication of not mattering that is implied when someone doesn't respond
3:48 p.m.
Me: Maybe it's frustration
Me: I think that's it
Me: Angry that I didn't matter enough for a reply
4:00 p.m.
Me: Which sounds so petty actually
Me: Like I don't feel this way in dance in other contexts
Me: I don't get this attached
Me: I'm trying to source out the difference
Me: I'm angry with myself
4:02 p.m.
Me: More so then with ‘Dancer’
Me: I should have responded to these cues
4:02 p.m.
Friend: right- your alpha always thinks it should have handled it differently
Friend: it's okay to be hurt- anyone would in your shoes actually
4:18 p.m.
Me: Only the angry at myself for falling for someone who is incapable of meeting my depth
4:27 p.m.
Me: But I don't know how that's so - because if he couldn’t have met my depth he wouldn't have been able to dance me the way he did
4:28 p.m.
Me: Maybe also angry at the sex addiction part
Me: I'm ashamed of that part
4:40 p.m.
Me: Which took over on Sunday
4:40 p.m.
Me: Thank you for being my friend through this. I hope you don't feel like I am dragging you along with my emotions?
4:58 p.m.
Friend: It is sure a rollercoaster
Me: But I am reminding myself this is all to help me heal my sex addiction patterns - pursuit drive patterns - for secure attachment
Me: I keep replaying moments on Sunday in which my hunger took over and I worried he was tired of dancing with me - which of course he could have stopped. But so could I, have stopped. I didn't though. This is filling me with shame. That was the addiction - I could have stopped snorting more coke, but I didn't.
5:00 p.m.
Me: I want to fully hold myself with compassion for all that I experienced and not shame or scold myself for maybe being 'needy' or feeding the pursuit drive, or even being hungry for some 'coke'.
Me: In the end, it was perfect because I didn't actually get the full meal deal.
Me: The brakes were there. Enough to rev the engine and trigger the drive, and mostly I felt deeply nourished by it all initially. It wasn't until near the end, after 3 days of sleep deprivation and trance state that it got slightly skewed.
Me: The shadow had to emerge in order for me to heal it
Friend: perfect conditions.
Me: There is a familiar high happening though - the high I would feel when freed from my relationships and marriages. The high that would turn out of control and could never be fed and satiated. Liberated high I call it. But actually I am not liberated, rather the 'fuck it button' is hit and I get to 'feed' the dragon.
Me: That is what I am feeling or was unleashed.
Me: Sometimes I feel that way with drinking in which I just want to go all in and say fuck it and drink to obliteration
Me: same with sex and pursuit
Me: this is the addiction, right?
Me: Just need to name it.
6:13 p.m.
#
Friend: I totally get that as an alpha person the default setting is always self responsibility and self blame. Anything that goes wrong feels like one's own fault but it really sounds like maybe this guy was sending some mixed cues. Technically the dance is play and it's supposed to be a safe zone but when you dance with someone for 5h it's easy to fall for them or want to sleep with them for real when all those feelings and sensations are flooding through your system. Plus we can't really read cues completely clearly if a part is in the driver's seat that's trying to work something out ....like the pursuit drive that kicked in under the conditions of finding someone that was just slightly unavailable where you could work out something that needed to be healed. That's not a mistake you made
7:19 a.m.
Me: But I don't how that's so - because with dance in this way if he could meet my depth he wouldn't have been able to dance me the way he did
Friend: Things aren't always so binary...like deep or shallow settings. There are people that have so much depth and wisdom in some ways and are so blind and dumb and shallow in other dimensions. Perfect examples are gurus and teachers. 7:23 a.m.
Friend: We have our souls that might be so deep and then all the static of our parts in the way, etc
7:24 a.m.
Friend: Dance can be a portal to the soul then everyone comes back to reality and they're their personalities again
7:24 a.m.
Friend: It's like any ceremony... you can see God and get it one moment then go back to your dumb patterns the next
7:25 a.m.
Me: I'm ashamed of that part
Friend: What part of you is ashamed though? Cuz Self never feels shame for our parts. Self understands and feels compassion
Me: I guess my protector
The performer and driver
7:28 a.m.
Me: I'm not sure who I'm ashamed of
Me: It all feels so sticky
7:28 a.m.
Friend: Yeah lots of blending and fusion
7:29 a.m.
Me: Like there is a part ashamed of an addiction to pursuit or sex
7:29 a.m.
Friend: Right
7:29 a.m.
Me: A part ashamed that I got hungry
Me: Ashamed I wrote what I wrote
7:29 a.m.
Friend: Pursuit has been made so wrong
You
Me: Ashamed I wrote what I wrote
Friend: To him?
7:29 a.m.
Me: Ashamed of actually being me - that's familiar
7:29 a.m.
Me: I keep replaying over and over again the moments he would break the dance for a pause
7:30 a.m.
Friend: Yes, being ignored or rejected feels so personal
7:30 a.m.
Me: And I imagine one part of him loved our connection
7:31 a.m.
Friend: Of course
7:31 a.m.
Friend: Otherwise why dance so long
Me: And say I'm beautiful
Friend: And it's confusing cuz dance is supposed to allow the connection without having to talk about it as if it's a real relationship
7:31 a.m.
Me: I know
Me: That is also why I feel shame
Me: Because I went into pursuit of more
Me: Have not done that before
7:32 a.m.
Friend: Right
Friend: Well you are seeking that right now
7:32 a.m.
Friend: Like you're open to an actual real experience outside of the dance floor
Friend: Dance is also a potential portal into the real
7:33 a.m.
Friend: So it's literally dancing with fire
Friend: You're right on the edge of play and actual attachment
7:34 a.m.
Friend: When you dance with fire sometimes you heal and transform and sometimes you get burned
7:34 a.m.
Me: So good
Me: You are so damn good
7:35 a.m.
Friend: Dance does bring people together to actually have sex and get married and become each other's real answers
7:35 a.m.
Me: I never wanted him to be my real answer to life partner
Me: Perhaps a real lover though
Me: Which I'm letting go of
Friend: Yeah that's what I mean but in culture ....it can bring people together to become life partners and family....it serves attachment sometimes and goes beyond play
7:37 a.m.
Me: Why did I get so attached to him and not the other man danced for hours with as intimately
Me: I'm really trying to discern the difference
Friend: Why do we ever wanna sleep with some people and not others?
7:39 a.m.
Friend: That's a mystery if there ever was one
Me: True. But this wasn't even lit below the belt so to speak. I didn't let myself feel anything in my uterus - just a couple of times.
Me: I have felt things with men in the dance floor right into my uterus
Me: Erotic energy
7:40 a.m.
Friend: There are many bodily access points to lovemaking
7:40 a.m.
Friend: This was not erotic energy there
Me: Right. So it was energy touch hearts
Me: Altered state
7:40 a.m.
Me: Spiritual transcendence
7:41 a.m.
Me: I guess I was just in state of awe with God and wanted to keep going
Me: He was the portal
7:41 a.m.
Friend: You walk into the fire and sometimes you get burned but most of the time you transform in ways that are more obviously amazing so there's no shame in that path
7:41 a.m.
Friend: Just own it
7:42 a.m.
Me: I would not change much except I wish I was less hungry for more on Sunday
7:42 a.m.
Friend: What's wrong with hunger?
7:42 a.m.
Me: It gets pushy and needy and aggressive
Friend: Neediness is half of life
7:43 a.m.
Friend: Think of a baby that's designed to thrive
Me: Good one
Okay
Me: What am I needing so badly
7:49 a.m.
Me: I can feel the drive to thrive
I like that framing
7:49 a.m.
Me: Something is deeply lacking that I get in that state
Me: In my head I know it's attachment
Me: But I'm trying to locate it in my body
7:50 a.m.
Friend: It drives me nuts when people pathologize a baby and say it's bad they're needy or cry etc
7:50 a.m.
Me: A former lover scolded me for being aggressive and hungry and needy with my energy
7:50 a.m.
Me: The last time I felt all this was after I left my former husband
7:51 a.m.
Friend: Right
7:51 a.m.
Me: It's so familiar
Me: So it's bang on for my addiction
7:51 a.m.
Friend: Yeah it would be .... you're deeper and more alive and intense than most ppl (this is a good thing)
7:52 a.m.
Friend: So you've had a lot of attachment needs just fall short
7:52 a.m.
Me: Say more that hits something
7:52 a.m.
Friend: Your hunger just a bit more than what was provided so you couldn't rest
7:52 a.m.
Me: Like people can't meet me there
7:52 a.m.
Friend: Yeah cuz they're pretty defended and trying to dull out from life mainly
Friend: I'm exactly the same way
7:53 a.m.
Me: I'm hungry for someone or a community to see me fully in all my depths so I can rest?
7:53 a.m.
Friend: I have exactly the same part
Friend: Yeah that's our destiny and design
7:54 a.m.
Friend: Why wouldn't you be hungry?
Me: I’m starving
Friend: You're not bad
7:54 a.m.
Me: And I'm embarrassed I'm starving
7:54 a.m.
Friend: Yeah and why should you be?
Friend: There's no shame in any of this. It's just a fact of the matter of who we are
We've been made to believe we're not supposed to be fed or dependent or hungry or alive or intense
7:55 a.m.
Friend: Cuz culture
Friend: It's the powers that be
7:56 a.m.
Me: No wonder I'm with my ‘primary partner’ - he’s also starving
7:56 a.m.
Me: We are both starving
7:56 a.m.
Friend: They want you hungry so they can tell you to fill that hole with terror on the news and shopping
7:56 a.m.
Me: Brilliant
7:57 a.m.
Friend: Most everyone in this culture is in at least some way
7:57 a.m.
Me: So fucken brilliant
7:57 a.m.
Friend: I saw this play at the fringe year before last
7:58 a.m.
Friend: It was called white face
7:58 a.m.
Friend: The play was about indigenous people pretending to be white ppl pretending to be indigenous ppl
7:59 a.m.
Friend: It was meta
7:59 a.m.
Friend: But in it they were talking about being starving
59m
And they were shoving watermelon chunks into their faces
Friend: As the juice streamed down his chest
59m
Friend: Ravenous
59m
Friend: He was shoving and shoving
Friend: And saying 'so starving' over and over
Friend: It was about culture
58m
Me: Wow
58m
Friend: And his face was full
Friend: And the watermelon just pouring all over him
Friend: And yet still so starving
Friend: Consumption
Friend: But none of it feeding
58m
Me: This is so helpful right now
Me: I'm feeling it all
58m
Friend: It was an absolutely brilliant play
Friend: If you ever get to see it I highly recommend it
57m
Me: This is more than me
Me: What I'm feeling is more than me
57m
Friend: Oh yeah
57m
Me: This shifted the shame part
Me: It just vanished
57m
Friend: You're just sensitive enough to notice it
57m
Me: I'm starving
Me: We are starving
Me: And we are all under fed
57m
Friend: And have a tendency to take it on
57m
Friend: But it's not you
56m
Me: Dance feeds me
56m
Friend: The overlords also want us to think we're broken
Friend; Take another antidepressant
Friend: But we're not broken at all
56m
Me: It's not me
Me: I'm not wrong for being starving
Me: I'm not wrong for being hungry
Me: I'm not wrong for wanting more from this man - to feed me more
56m
Friend: Hungry drives us to the food
56m
Friend: It's an instinct
55m
Friend: And sometimes we mis read what's food
55m
Friend: Core of survival
55m
Friend: We think a drug is food
55m
Friend: Sex is food
Friend: Killing is food
Friend: Consuming anything else but real food, is food
Me: What is real food?
54m
Me: Yeah we're shoving watermelon in our face and it's streaming down our chests
54m
Me: Hence addictions
Me: It's a culture of addiction
54m
Me: No one is satiated
Me: Not in this culture
53m
Friend: 100%
Me: There are degrees of satiation
52m
Me: I'm starving for ...
52m
Friend: Some ppl are glimpsing it and feeding each other
52m
Me: Like us right now
52m
Friend: Exactly
52m
Friend: We need to feed each other
52m
Friend: If you know we're wired for attachment you can look for it and offer it
Friend: You can be bread for others
51m
Me: We need another word
51m
Friend: And increase the chances of also being fed
51m
Me: Attachment is too heady at this stage
51m
Friend: For love
Friend: To be there for each other
Friend: To belong
Friend: To matter
Friend: To be seen and see each other
Friend: To appreciate each other wholly
50m
Friend: And can we do that with or for a stranger
50m
Friend: We can we be bread to humanity
50m
Friend: To take care of each other
Friend: To prioritize what really matters
49m
Friend: This is what everyone is asking for
Friend: Every minute of every day
49m
Me: And do you think our separation from land is a primary cause of this starvation
48m
Friend: In an attachment sense.... there's also individuation as well of course
48m
Friend: I personally wouldn't say primary cause.... but it's all connected
47m
Me: So I was/am starving for all those things and why do I seek it through sex/lust/connection
Friend: Also clearly through dance which is also a bit of an addiction
Me: I feel full but want more
47m
Friend: Cuz your brain experienced a glimpse of that sense of togetherness through sex and it goes for the chemical high
46m
Me: Like you and K
46m
Friend: Cuz it almost worked
46m
Friend: But never in a committed relationship
46m
Friend: Well we continue to get full and hungry over and over in healthy relationships..... just Cuz we get hungry again doesn't mean it's an addiction
45m
Me: Ah
44m
Friend: Addiction is just when it never brings you to a state of full Rest but it almost does...like a sense of relief from the high but not proper Rest
44m
Me: Good point
Me: I need to pay attention to this
Me: Does dance offer me full rest
Me: Or almost rest
Me: Perhaps once I heal this pursuit drive It will shift
43m
Me: Pursuit in overdrive that is
Me: I'm feeling more calm
43m
Me: Something is shifting
Me: Knowing we are all starving
Me: And its culture not me
42m
Me: So I'm not bad
42m
Friend: Of course it is.... you're in the 🔥
42m
Me: I did nothing wrong
Me: My hunger was not wrong
42m
Friend: You're the closest thing to a proper human I've found
42m
Me: My attachment to wanting sex was not wrong
42m
Me: I wanted to be satiated
Me: Watermelon feast
Yeah
41m
Me: But I know I would not have been full
Me: Because I would have known he could not meet me to my depths
Me: And would have ran afterwards
41m
Me: Which would have been worse
41m
Me: The feast would not have filled me
Me: Not in a rest way
40m
Friend: If you think of attachment like food everything makes sense
40m
Friend: Cuz it is soul food
40m
Me: It could - I might one day feel nourished through dance play and sex
40m
Me: But all the stars have to align
39m
Me: Like I have to know the safety is there
38m
Me: My system can't be in alarm or doubt
38m
Friend: Wanna know what a recent fantasy of mine was? I hope you'll find this funny
38m
Friend: Making coconut bread
Friend: So I can feed you
37m
Me: Haha
Me: You are so wonderful
37m
Me: I'd probably reject it lol
Me: Cause that's what I do
37m
Me: Unless it was delicious
37m
Me: Reject the food that is real
Friend: Well you don't totally reject the real food though
Friend: You're here
Me: I do really rest with you
34m
Friend: You listen to me all the time and I genuinely feel I can be myself
34m
Friend: I think we rest when sense into peoples presence
34m
Me: That's it
Me: I totally rested into his dance presence
33m
Me: So how could I rest into the dance fully but be left starving
31m
Friend: Well you were full right? Until you wanted more then got rejected?
30m
Me: I was full but also high
Me: I was so full
Me: It was when it was near the end on Sunday I wanted more and was left
30m
Friend: Well felt like rejection.... but let's say unreceived
30m
Me: Exactly
Me: I was tossed and dismissed
29m
Friend: Cuz when you're wanting dance, dance fills
Friend: But when you're wanting sex, and all you get is dance them you're left hungry
29m
Friend: It was unacknowledged
29m
Me: I only started to want sex because it was all so filling and also so intense
28m
Friend: Yes there are many blurred lines on planet earth
28m
Me: What I needed was an acknowledgment
Me: A genuine embrace
28m
Friend: Of course
28m
Me: A 'I see this'
Me: We did that
Me: You matter
Me: This dance mattered
27m
Friend: Yeah
27m
Me: This is what triggered me
Me: Like I just wanted something genuine after
Me: Like that was incredible and until we see each other again
Me: I would have been okay
25m
Friend: Yeah that's really hard especially for you cuz you are an overt person. You say things aloud
23m
Friend: I can totally get this. If it's unspoken it's confusing
22m
Me: Thank you
Me: The hunger is settled
Me: I am not tormented by my thoughts or hunger anymore
6m
Friend: Oh good